Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...
...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a cop asking me questions.
It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.
It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.
- Natasha Niemi
It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
"Family Love"
A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.
– Alison Jean Thomas
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?
Fast food.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
"Did You Notice"
Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
I knew this gift would make you smile,
It's perfect for your many adventures,
Now you can take a bite out of life,
With a pair of brand-new dentures.
(Kevin Nishmas)
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.
"Don’t Be Silly"
Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.
– Dave Moran
I look at you and all the facts
I can't believe your age and how you act.
The number might suggest your old
That you should be shriveled and full of mold.
But, hey look at you
You're young in all you do
The number doesn't mean a thing
As long as you can still sing.
So may this little rhyme and verse
Be one that you don't curse.
Smile and be happy today
Remember, it's your birthday!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
"Halfway Down"
Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.
Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!
– A. A. Milne
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.
"Aerodynamic Mishap"
I made a paper aeroplane,
It really was the best.
I took my time to make it right,
To that I can attest!
I’d planned it all so thoroughly,
I’d sketched from either side.
I knew that all would be amazed,
To see it swoop and dive.
But its first flight was not to plan,
Though it soared up high.
The teacher turned, it crashed and burned,
And hit her in the eye!
My plane, screwed up, went in the bin,
All agreed it was a shame.
But my teacher’s got a big black eye,
And I’m the one to blame!
– Gareth Lancaster