I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose aunt was a very fast walker;
She walked seventy miles,
And leaped fifteen stiles,
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca.
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
My mother loves butter more than I do,
more than anyone. She pulls chunks off
the stick and eats it plain, explaining
cream spun around into butter!
- Elizabeth Alexander
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.
There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
A Poem by a Cat
I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you're up? Feed me.
How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.
Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”
There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
I knew this gift would make you smile,
It's perfect for your many adventures,
Now you can take a bite out of life,
With a pair of brand-new dentures.
(Kevin Nishmas)
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.
(E.B White)
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."
I changed my password to "incorrect."
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect."
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris CAN touch this.
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
"Crabby"
I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.
If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.
– Barbara Vance
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
"Have You Ever Seen"
Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?
Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?
Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?
It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.
SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.
My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.
The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!
(Unknown)
It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.
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