Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.

A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."

Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.

What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.

This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.

It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.

(Kevin Nishmas)

I've fallen in love- I don't know why
I've fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She's charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you'd expect from a girl who's monocular.

Of eyes - at the moment - she hasn't full quota
But that doesn't change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you're bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she's made up her mind. She's made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She'll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she'll see me in church.

I'll marry my true love who's gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(By Andrew Jefferson)

What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.

A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’

It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.

There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'

Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.

I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.

Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.

A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”

Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”

You’re my love and angel,
You’re my sugar and honey,
You’re my jewel and treasure,
I’m broke and in need money.

(Unknown)

So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"

I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.

I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.

I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.

Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.

I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."

A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."

Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.

Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you

A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."

Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.

There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.

What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.

What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?

If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.

The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.

It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.

"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."

As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.

How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.

Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!

If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.

Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener

I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!

(Rob Carmack)

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.

What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.

There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.

“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"

Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson

For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”

I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.

Celery, raw,
Develops the jaw,
But celery, stewed,
Is more quietly chewed.

(Ogden Nash)

A Blond walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."

I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat

(Colleen Laforme)

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.