What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.
A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.
Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training
It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.
There was a young dentist who thrilled,
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed,
With the old drill he's skilled.
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
Roses are red,
Violets are too,
I’m colorblind,
What about you?
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
It’s so cold that the snowflakes froze in the air and birds used them as stepping stones to get from tree to tree.
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
For you, nothing in this world
I would ever trade
You are more precious to me
Than a dazzling Jade
From every troubles of life
You have given me bail
Today I promise that for you
My love will never fail
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.
My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.
(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?
Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
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