I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."

Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you

(Anonymous)

How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?

Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!

Your love is so crisp
As wafer in the pack
You know your love is
My favourite snack
Oh, Please I was just kidding
Now, you don’t need to smack.

(Unknown)

"Arithmetic"

Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.

– Judith Viorst

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

(Amos Russel Wells)

Why did the chicken use a bridge to cross the road?
He wanted to take the high way.

I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.

At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.

Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.

It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.

A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.

Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?

(Taylor Russell)

If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?

My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.

Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.

Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.

There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.

What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.

I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.

Why did the horse dance while crossing the road?
He was horsing around.

How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.

It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.

There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.

It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.

No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.

Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!

What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.

My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.

How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."

It was so cold that we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm.

Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”

Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.

My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.

He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!

- Denise Rodgers

Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.

Source: Wikipedia

How do animals know when to cross the road?
The chameleon changes from red to green.

Today is your birthday, don’t pull your hair,
Look in the mirror, nature was fair,
Not a day over twenty,
I’m kidding, you’re plenty.

Don’t mean to burst your bubble,
But stop asking for trouble,
You know what I mean,
When you drink that caffeine.

What should I bring?
Just give me a ring.
Elephant or clown?
I knew you would frown.

(Martin Dejnicki)

Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?

When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.

Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.

There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
Who strongly objected to toads;
He paid several cousins,
To catch them by the dozens,
That futile Old Person of Rhodes.

I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."

"Granny"

Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)

All through the night, the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)

It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!

– Spike Milligan

Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.

It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.