I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.
It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.
(Kevin Nishmas)
There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I'll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.
It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend.
It totally ruined our bath!
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.
A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?
Fast food.
This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.
"I Have a Little Frog"
I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
It’s so hot chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.
As I lay cozy, all snug in my bed,
I enjoy the imagination inside my head
Until I hear racket beside my bed.
It's my 5:00 alarm!
I quickly silent you, you annoying alarm.
Then we SNOOZE together and let dreams carry on.
Enjoying the peace, then I'll be darned;
It's my 5:15 reminder!
Now I hush the ringing of my reminder.
Ok Alarm, let's put that behind us.
Eyes just shut, but here goes that timer
It's 7:20. I'm late!!!
(By Demecia Dean)
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
Go to BabaMail
