Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.

When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.

An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"

What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.

The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."

What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!

It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.

"The Crocodile"

How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!

– Lewis Carroll

For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."

The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.

Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?

Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.

Source: Wikipedia

Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.

Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.

How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.

Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!

An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".

Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.

(Mary Oliver Rotman)

Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.

This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.

Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.
Because all of his genes are dominant.

If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.

But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.

And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.

Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.

- Catherine Pulsifer

There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.

There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.

I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!

(Susanna Rose)

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?

Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.

I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.

Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.

A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"

My drinking team has a bowling problem.

A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.

It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.

I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.

My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".

Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.

There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'

Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.

I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.

Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!

And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!

- Max Scratchamnn

I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!

Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.

Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.

It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.

Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.

My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.