Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.
A Poem by a Cat
I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you're up? Feed me.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.
-Opportunist
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away
(Anonymous)
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.
(E.B White)
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.
Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!
Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly
(Jan Allison)
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"
Bark bark bark
Let me get up to see
It appears my dog is summoning me
Bark Bark Bark
That old familiar sound
As I peer out the window
With my loud mouthed hound
Bark Bark Bark
Looking in the distance I finally see
Why she’s been barking at me
Bark Bark Bark
There’s a leaf in the yard
And it’s blowing away
This is how we’ll spend
Most of our day
Celery, raw,
Develops the jaw,
But celery, stewed,
Is more quietly chewed.
(Ogden Nash)
Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!
(Unknown)
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.
There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
“Father”
My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.
– Edgar Albert Guest
They said I was an "old fart"
But I hardly think that's true
My boobs were done in '75
But my teeth and knees are new.
And since my eyes were lasered
I have 20/20 sight
Though I like to sit on 50k
And hate to drive at night.
All in all I object to "old"
But "fart" is another matter
For I think the valves that seal the gas
Now leak as I've got fatter.
To add to the indignity
And make me feel antique
Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
I spring a little leak.
So if you're feeling young and smug
With a body like brand new
Just remember in 30 years
This figure may be you!
(By Pamela J. Langdon)
A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.
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