Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.
Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.
Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.
There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.
(By Faaizah)
"Unsatisfied Yearning"
Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,
In order to get out.
Once in the glittering starlight.
He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.
In order to get in.
– R.K. Munkittrick
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.
There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.
There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"
If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.
– Shel Silverstein
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!
The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape
Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.
- Patrick Winstanley
First you got an alligator.
Next came a giraffe.
Lions ride your elevator,
bears hide in your bath.
Bunnies,
chimps,
(a duck?),
raccoons.....
run amok through all your rooms!
Soon, if you don't set them free - there will be no room for me!
(Lycia Harding)
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
There was an Old Man of Marseilles,
Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils;
They caught several Fish,
Which they put in a dish,
And sent to their Pa' at Marseilles.
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
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