There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.
277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.
I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".
Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
You, me, we
Two souls stuck together, like a piece of meat
You, me, us
My love shines bright for you, like a big yellow bus
You, me, us two
My love for you can be smelled for miles
Like an old stinky shoe
(Anonymous)
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as control.
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.
I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.
First you got an alligator.
Next came a giraffe.
Lions ride your elevator,
bears hide in your bath.
Bunnies,
chimps,
(a duck?),
raccoons.....
run amok through all your rooms!
Soon, if you don't set them free - there will be no room for me!
(Lycia Harding)
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
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