When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
A blond was taking helicopter lessons.
The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great.
At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground.
The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"
The blond said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."
Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."
It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend.
It totally ruined our bath!
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.
What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.
I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"
I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.
– Judith Viorst
For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
A Poem by a Cat
I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you're up? Feed me.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.
Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
There was an Old Man of Leghorn,
The smallest that ever was born;
But quickly snapped up he
Was once by a puppy,
Who devoured that Old Man of Leghorn.
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.
The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead
But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band
So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear
When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour
As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy
So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy
- Paul Curtis
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!
It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.
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