The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.

I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"

Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.

Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.

How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.

The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.

There once was a boy named Dan,
who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
and eventually died,
that weird little boy named Dan.

I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.

What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

(Amos Russel Wells)

I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.

How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.

Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.

What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.

A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.

"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"

If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.

– Shel Silverstein

Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.

A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."

The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."

"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."

"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."

She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."

"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"

Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.

There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.

I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.

What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?

Good restaurant reservations.

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.

It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel

There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.

A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.

I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

"Whenever I See"

Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.

Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.

The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.

What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.

A physics teacher writes a question on a board:

"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"

A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:

"In a foster home."

What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.

There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.

Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese

Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better

Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.

(Camryn Noell)

Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?

Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.

What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”

There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.

How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”

What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.

Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.

What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.

Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"

I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.

If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.