An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.

What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.

What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!

A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.

It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.

It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.

It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.

Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.

There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.

A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.

He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."

Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.

Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.

If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.

If you pull the pin out of a grenade, is it possible to put it back in it so it won't explode?
I kinda need a quick response...

Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.

I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending

How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.

Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.

There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.

There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.

Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.

There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.

There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.

A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."

How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.

What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.

Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.

How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.

It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.

A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”

We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”

“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”

"I Hate Peanut Butter"

These words I say without a stutter:
I hate the taste of peanut butter!
In Reese's chocolate it may stay
But keep the butter far away.
It leaves a lump inside my belly,
It's even worse when paired with jelly!
I hate its texture, hate its smell;
If I go near it, I'm unwell.
My family tells me I'm dramatic
But against PB I stay emphatic.
If you're craving butter thick,
You might as well just eat the stick,
Or wear it as a winter coat
But keep it furthest from your throat!
Last time I ate it, things went south;
My tongue got glued inside my mouth!
If you include it in my lunch,
I'll very likely throw a punch.
I'd gladly eat a Brussels sprout
But keep the peanut butter out!

– Innarenko

Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.

I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?

A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”

My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.

The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.

A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."

Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!

What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.

What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.

Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.

What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"