Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.
A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"
Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
"Little Boy Blue"
Little Boy Blue, please cover your nose.
You sneezed on Miss Muffet and ruined her clothes.
You sprayed Mother Hubbard, and now she is sick.
You put out the fire on Jack’s candlestick.
Your sneeze is the reason why Humpty fell down.
You drenched Yankee Doodle when he came to town.
The blind mice are angry! The sheep are upset!
From now on, use a tissue so no one gets wet!
– Darren Sardelli
It was so cold when I turned on the shower, I got hail.
There once was a girl named Zoe,
She went out in her yard which was quite snowy.
She ate her brother,
Asked her parents for another,
So they had another named Joey.
There was a young lady of Kent,
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!
There was an Old Man of Leghorn,
The smallest that ever was born;
But quickly snapped up he
Was once by a puppy,
Who devoured that Old Man of Leghorn.
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!
Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly
(Jan Allison)
There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
Please wine me and dine me,
Please show me a good time,
After all, I’m a lady,
And I even can rhyme!
Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?
You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.
Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
When his driving had gotten bizarre
Grandpa’s kids tossed his keys very far
So he hitched into town
Laid some good money down
And then simply brought home a new car.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
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