Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.
After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.
He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."
A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.
He lived to the ripe old age of 96.
He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.
- Jim Slaughter
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.
It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.
The government hates competition.
There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"
There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.
– Michael Wise
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
Happy birthday to you,
You still look the same over the years,
Some sort of makeup you use,
Oh I did not mean to make fun,
Because you always look number one
Stay blessed!
My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.
Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.
Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.
Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.
(Shel Silverstein)
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
"The Attraction of Levitation"
“Oh, dear!” said little Johnny Frost,
“Sleds are such different things!
When down the hill you swiftly coast
You’d think that they had wings;
“But when uphill you slowly climb,
And have to drag your sled,
It feels so heavy that you’d think
‘Twas really made of lead.
“And all because an Englishman,
Sir Isaac Newton named,
Invented gravitation, and
Became unduly famed;
“While if he had reversed his law,
So folks uphill could coast,
It seems to me he would have had
A better claim to boast.
“Then coasting would all pleasure be;
To slide up would be slick!
And dragging sleds downhill would be
An awful easy trick!”
– H. G. Paine
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
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