What makes music on your head?
A headband.

Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.
The government hates competition.

I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.

It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”

What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.

Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."

Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.

I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.

Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

A blond pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blond.

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.

Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.

Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.

What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.

When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?

At Pranksgiving.

Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.

Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.

If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?

Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.

A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”

Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.

I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.

The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.

There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, 'Are these caps?'
She answered, 'Perhaps!'
That oracular Lady of Prague.

It’s so hot that the oven got jealous.

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!

What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.

Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”

There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."

I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.

I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!

Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.

My love
I have gotten to know you so very well
I’ve even noticed when you start to smell
You share almost everything with me
When we gossip, you say “spill the tea”
You have become my best friend
That is no lie
We can giggle together
We laugh till we cry
Even when you can be a little gross
You are the man I love the most.

If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.

Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.

What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.

Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you

(Anonymous)

As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”

Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)

It's so hot out that I cleaned my fridge just so I could hang out in my fridge for a while.

It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.