There once was a poet named Bates
Whose limericks were never that great
His first lines weren't bad
But the problem he had
Was he always tried to fit way too many syllables in at the end.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on;
The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate,
Of that singular Sailor of Compton.
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.
They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.
Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.
He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .
That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.
- Diane Lefebvre
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
"Dog and Pony Show"
Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!
– Denise Rodgers
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A Rabbit's flatulence.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
Go to BabaMail
