Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...
In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"
There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.
– Michael Wise
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?
He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
I think, therefore I’m single.
What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.
What do you give three-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you better hope he likes it.
"Arithmetic"
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.
– Judith Viorst
"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"
I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!
– Emily Dickinson
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."
“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"
There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.
There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
"The Little Turtle"
There was a little turtle.
He lived in a box.
He swam in a puddle.
He climbed on the rocks.
He snapped at a mosquito.
He snapped at a flea.
He snapped at a minnow.
And he snapped at me.
He caught the mosquito.
He caught the flea.
He caught the minnow.
But he didn’t catch me.
– Vachel Lindsay
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
Love is like a fart - if you have to force it it's probably crap.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
You use computers.
IPods, mobiles, cameras.
Why not write letters?
Go to BabaMail
