Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.

Starts off in the morning, wakes up at six,
Grooms itself using its tongue and licks.
I give it breakfast with a friendly pat.
That's the daily morning of my cat.

Returns for lunch at one o' clock.
Eats milk rice and then goes for a walk.
Sometimes even hunts and catches a rat.
That's the daily afternoon of my cat.

Naps after lunch outside my door.
Sleeps so deeply, perhaps even snores.
Doesn't like the ground; it prefers a mat.
That's the daily evening of my cat.

Wakes up refreshed and comes for dinner.
Does it eat too much? Shouldn't it be thinner?
Eats and sleeps - hope it doesn't get fat.
That's the daily night of my cat.

(M. Tarun Prasad)

My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"

A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.

"It was me, you have a problem with that?"

"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."

Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.

Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.

It’s so cold the police told a robber to freeze, and he really did.

For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.

What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.

Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.

This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.

(Joanna Fuchs)

Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!

Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.

What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.

Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.

Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.

I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!

What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"

I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending

I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."

SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.

Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.

I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper

It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.

Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?

- by Jeff Kyser

Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’

How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"

There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’

There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.

There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.

Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.

What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.

When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.

There’s been a murder, a woman was killed,
found in a bathtub, partially filled.
A pair of policemen went into the house
and questioned the poor woman’s spouse.
He’d just come home from working all night
and found her like that, a terrible sight.
The younger policeman looked on with dismay.
He’d never forget that terrible day.
He saw the young woman from behind the door
and empty milk cartons all over the floor,
Scattered strawberries, slices of fruit,
and spoonfuls of sugar and honey to boot.
”Who could have done this terrible thing?”
His voice had a horrified, pitiful ring.
”Just look at the clues,” replied Sargeant Miller.
”It looks like the work of a cereal killer.” (Albert Van Hoogmoed)

Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.

Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.

It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.

Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?

What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!

Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.

What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.

There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.

It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.

“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.

That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.

My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.

How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.

Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.

What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.

How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.

What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!

I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!