A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.

But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.

Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.

Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.

If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”

A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."

"Dust"

The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!

– P. A. Ropess

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER

It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.

I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me

What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.

What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.

Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

"I Can Rise And Shine"

I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!

I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.

"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

Another deep breath, the tension mounts.
Have to stay focused, every moment counts.
I am ready; let's get movin'.
Here it goes, we both start groovin'.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I start out slow to get in the swing.
As I do, she starts to sing.
The sounds and feelings grow more immense.
The movements become more intense.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her stea

It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.

Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.

Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.

A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.

What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?

A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.

There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.

There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.

I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.

I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.

Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!

Busy Cat

I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming

It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.

Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.

My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.

When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.

I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.

How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The invisible hand does it.

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and bumped his head.

The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…

“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”

Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.

How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.

It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty

We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash

The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs

Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape

But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.


- Paul Curtis

So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!

Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.

What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.

My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend.
It totally ruined our bath!

It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.

Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.