What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
There was an old person of Troy,
Whose drink was warm brandy and soy,
Which he took with a spoon,
By the light of the moon,
In sight of the city of Troy.
There once was a poet named Bates
Whose limericks were never that great
His first lines weren't bad
But the problem he had
Was he always tried to fit way too many syllables in at the end.
"Trouble"
Better never trouble Trouble
Until Trouble troubles you;
For you only make your trouble
Double-trouble when you do;
And the trouble-like a bubble-
That you’re troubling about,
May be nothing but a cipher
With its rim rubbed out.
– David Keppel
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
(Unknown)
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.
What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
According to physics, light travels faster than sound. If that is really the case, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?
I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.
He said “I know you are, but what am I?”
Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.
As I lay cozy, all snug in my bed,
I enjoy the imagination inside my head
Until I hear racket beside my bed.
It's my 5:00 alarm!
I quickly silent you, you annoying alarm.
Then we SNOOZE together and let dreams carry on.
Enjoying the peace, then I'll be darned;
It's my 5:15 reminder!
Now I hush the ringing of my reminder.
Ok Alarm, let's put that behind us.
Eyes just shut, but here goes that timer
It's 7:20. I'm late!!!
(By Demecia Dean)
Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.
Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.
Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.
(Shel Silverstein)
When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.
It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
- Jack Prelutsky
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
Jim ordered a racehorse online
A thoroughbred sold in it's prime.
Now just for a laugh
They sent a giraffe
But it wins by a neck every time.
(Ray Gridley)
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!
Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
Go to BabaMail
