There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.

(William Robinson)

How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.

What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.

It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.

Dracula decided it was time to give his son "the talk"

Dracula: "You see, when two monsters love each other very much, they-"

Son: "They do the mash."

Dracula: *nodding* "They do the monster mash."

Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.

When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.

It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.

The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.

The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!

(Unknown)

Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.

Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.

This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.

His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.

As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.

For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.

- Max Scratchman

Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine

You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell

I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat

(Jan Allison)

What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.

What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?

He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.

It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.

It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.

Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.

Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*

Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.

My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)

I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!

(Susanna Rose)

How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.

Why did the alphabet cross the road?
To get from Point A to Point B.

Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"

Is there such a thing
As turkey in a can?
If there is, I will buy it;
It doesn’t matter the manufacturer’s land.
As long as it’s edible, I’ll dig in deep.
I can no longer eat
My wife’s Thanksgiving meat.

- Natasha Niemi

My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.

My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.

An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.

Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.

Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.

Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!

Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.

There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.

(Barry Stebbings)

Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road?
He was Stalin.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.

I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!

I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!

I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!

Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?

(Laura Loo)

Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.

What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman

Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?

I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.

Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.