Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.

An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.

There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.

"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"

There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.

– Michael Wise

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?

How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.

What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.

What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"

"Tom Tigercat"

Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.

Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.

– J. Patrick Lewis

What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.

The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.

(Jeffrey Krise)

There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...

"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"

I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!

– Emily Dickinson

It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.

I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!

What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.

I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.

A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users

Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks

Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.

What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.

There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.

A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.

If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.

One evening I wrote to John and I guess I was expressing my frustrations with not having enough time as I had a briefcase full of work to do that evening. Jaymac, in his wisdom, sent me back the following funny but inspirational poem:

Briefcase with an Engine
Poet: John McLeod

Fit your briefcase with an engine
Go skateboarding in the sun
Loop the loop, do aerobatics,
Laugh a lot and have great fun!

'Cook a snook' at paper empires
Save a forest, every tree
And remember, above all,
To do it happily!

It reminded me life is too short to let work frustrate me. Reading John's words of wisdom helped relieve my stress as I found myself smiling when I finished reading the poem. And, smiling and laughing is a great stress reliever!

Many times during my career I let my work control my life. Looking back at the times where I allowed my work to create stress and frustration in my life I now realize what I thought was important really was not. I am not say

I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.

Cold turkey was the only way to do it.

There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.

When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:

This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.

The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.

I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.

I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.

That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.

I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.

(By Richard Thomas)

Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.

If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.

"I Can Rise And Shine"

I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!

I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.

One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.

Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.

"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."

What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.

It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.

What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.

Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

Why did the doctor cross the road?
Hard to say really. Could be any number of reasons.

There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.