If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...

"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"

Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.

Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!

Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!

I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!

– Kelly Roper

What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.

Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.

One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."

It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.

"Halfway Down"

Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.

Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!

– A. A. Milne

Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.

I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."

I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.

A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"

A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”

Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.

What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.

My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.

When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.

I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.

What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.

How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.

There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.

"I Can Rise And Shine"

I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.

It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?

(Taylor Russell)

Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'

You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”

Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they

A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.

(Anonymous)

She fell into the bath tub.
she fell into the sink.
she fell into the rasberry jam.
and came out pink!

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.

When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.

I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.
He said “I know you are, but what am I?”

"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"

In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.

I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.

I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.

When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...

What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?

If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!

Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.

Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.

What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!

As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."

There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’

An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.

Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.

Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"

Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.

Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.

Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.