Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!
There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
"Exclamation!"
I have a strange addiction,
It often sets off sparks!
I really cannot seem to stop,
Using exclamation marks!
They appear when I am writing!
Even in a shopping list!
If I don’t put one at the end
I feel something’s been missed!
It started as a positive!
It made people feel happy!
But now, I fear, it may bring tears!
It makes my teacher snappy!
Exclamation marks (!!!)
Can show how to command,
They show when things are exciting!
Or getting out of hand!
As you can see this problem,
Is one I now must end.
But, I can’t help but feel, maybe,
The question mark’s my friend?
(Anyone heard of the interrobang?!)
– Fiona Halliday
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.
There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat
(Colleen Laforme)
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.
It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!
How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.
If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I'll never drink again," I'd have just enough for a 12-case.
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"
Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.
Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'
The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Damn.
Let me kiss you.
(Unknown)
Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.
(By Faaizah)
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'
I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.
Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.
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