Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
"Now We Are Six"
When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.
– A.A. Milne
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I'll never drink again," I'd have just enough for a 12-case.
Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.
Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.
Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.
(Shel Silverstein)
If vampires can't see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That's shiny
Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage
To keep their hair tidy?
- Paul Curtis
How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.
How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
There once was a lady from Guam
who said, "Now the sea is so calm,
I shall swim in the dark!"
She encountered a shark.
Let us all sing the Twenty-Third Psalm.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"
I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!
– Emily Dickinson
What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.
Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
It’s so hot I saw a chicken lay an omelet.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.
I dropped a ball in
your lap
It's time to play
I just put a ball
in your lap
So it's time to play
See that ball
I placed in your lap?
That means it's
time to play
You can have your
emergency appendectomy
Any other day
But I dropped a ball
in your lap
And now it's time to play
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