I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.

What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.

Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.

Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.

Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.

What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.

A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm

(Anonymous)

Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.

A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"

It’s so cold the police told a robber to freeze, and he really did.

My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.

There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.

What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!

Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."

Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.

The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.

What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.

Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.

"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"

When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.

No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.

We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.

She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.

– Kenn Nesbitt

Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.

Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.

It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!

I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."

Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene

However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which

It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!

Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.

There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.

Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER

There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.

My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.

My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.

There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.

"Did You Notice"

Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.

My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."

Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.

Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.

There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'

People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.

Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.