What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.

Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.

Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.

What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.

How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.

The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."

A hard thing about a business is minding your own.

Roses are red,
Violets are too,
I’m colorblind,
What about you?

It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.

Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.

How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...

Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.

Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.

My girlfriend and I agreed to try some roleplay in the sack, but right at the end she screamed out the wrong name!
That's the last time I'm ever letting her wear her Starbucks uniform in bed.

It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.

It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.

My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”

The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.

The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!

(Samatha C. Ringle)

"Simple Truths About Family"

Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.

Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.

Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.

Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.

Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.

– Kelly Roper

My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!

There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.

I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.

It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.

What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.

I have 3 eyes , 2 noses and a mouth. What am I?
Ugly.

My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.

It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.

Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!

(Abby Jenkins)

Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.

What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.

What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.

I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."

Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.

"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"

Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.

Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!

Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!

I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!

– Kelly Roper

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?

My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

There once was a colour named orange,

...Damnit.

A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”

There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...

If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.

It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.