I love you for all the goofy things you do
I love you even when you don’t know the lyrics to our favorite song
I love you even when you snort when laugh
I love you just the way you are
This is why they say love is blind

(Anonymous)

Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.

If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I'll never drink again," I'd have just enough for a 12-case.

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.

There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'Does it fit?'
He replied, 'Not a bit!'
That uneasy Old Man of the West.

Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.

It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.

I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.

When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?

At Pranksgiving.

There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.

Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

It's so cold that polar bears wear jackets.

There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.

Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.

When my cat sleeps, he snoozes
Inside the laundry basket,
Or on top of a tree,
Crammed inside a shelf,
Where no-one can see.
In empty shopping bags,
And cartons made of cardboard,
On piles of books and newspapers,
And suitcases that are stored.
Curled up under furniture,
In places we’d never think to look.
Or nestled behind a flower pot,
In a hard to find nook.
Since my cat sleeps for at least sixteen hours each day
He must be bored of sleeping in the same old way!

(Santhini Govindan)

How long did it take Lancelot to cross the road?
All knight.

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

(Amos Russel Wells)

Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make

Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.

Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.

Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.

(Joanna Davis)

A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.

He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."

It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.

It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.

Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.

If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?

I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.

Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back

How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.

What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!

A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."

"Who’s In?"

“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”

– Elizabeth Fleming

Why did the bunny cross the road?
To go to the hare dresser.

What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.

What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.

An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.

My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.

If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.

A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.

He lived to the ripe old age of 96.

He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.

Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.

It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.

How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.

What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.

"I Hate Peanut Butter"

These words I say without a stutter:
I hate the taste of peanut butter!
In Reese's chocolate it may stay
But keep the butter far away.
It leaves a lump inside my belly,
It's even worse when paired with jelly!
I hate its texture, hate its smell;
If I go near it, I'm unwell.
My family tells me I'm dramatic
But against PB I stay emphatic.
If you're craving butter thick,
You might as well just eat the stick,
Or wear it as a winter coat
But keep it furthest from your throat!
Last time I ate it, things went south;
My tongue got glued inside my mouth!
If you include it in my lunch,
I'll very likely throw a punch.
I'd gladly eat a Brussels sprout
But keep the peanut butter out!

– Innarenko

It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.

Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”

I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.

All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!

(Larry Huggins)