Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
A blond pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blond.
What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"
There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
Why did the horse dance while crossing the road?
He was horsing around.
It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.
I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
I gaze at you in awe,
Your beauty leaves me speechless,
I long for your touch,
And I yearn for your kiss.
I can wait no longer,
I can’t leave my heart on the shelf,
Oh whoops, I’m sorry,
I forgot to introduce myself!
There was an old lady from Ghent,
who slept on a bed of cement.
Her bed was well used,
and her body well bruised,
and the back of her head had a dent.
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"
There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.
– Michael Wise
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’
There was an Old Man of Marseilles,
Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils;
They caught several Fish,
Which they put in a dish,
And sent to their Pa' at Marseilles.
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”
The kids are rumbling and tumblin'
Grandpa's snoring and a grumbling.
The football teams are taking a knee,
On Grandma's big screen t.v.
The leaves outside are turning yellow
'Cause winter's coming to say hello.
The aunts are all fussin' in the kitchen,
Wait a minute, it must be Thanksgivin'!
We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!
- Denise Rodgers
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!
(Unknown)
If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.
Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
I love you I love you
I do
I’ll play the kazoo
I may not be good
It may be too loud
I love you I love you
I’ll dance a jig
I may miss a step
or fall on my pig
I love you I love you
I do
even if this poem isn’t cool
There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
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