How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
There four things we simply cannot choose in this life
1. Our parents
2. Our nationality
3. Our physical attributes
4. The Russian president
Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
It's so hot out that I cleaned my fridge just so I could hang out in my fridge for a while.
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.
There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'
My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
The year is 2219
A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.
What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
Why is marriage like a nice suit? At first it's a perfect fit, but after a while you need alterations.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.
It's so cold that you have to break the smoke off your chimney.
The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."
You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."
Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."
And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."
(Martin Gardner)
So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says:
"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?
When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...
When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"
The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
Busy Cat
I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.
Because all of his genes are dominant.
Wooden door; wide and creaky.
Sculking cat; snide and sneaky.
Skeletons; cold and clanky.
Madame Witch; old and cranky.
Ancient paintings; strange and spooky.
Watching eyes; crazed and looky.
Blackest bat; fast and flappy.
Venus Flytrap; mighty snappy.
Wailing ghosts; always moany.
Piano playing on its owny.
Time to go! Scream and shouty!
Read the sign – ‘No Way Out-y!’
- Julie Anna Douglas
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you
Celery, raw,
Develops the jaw,
But celery, stewed,
Is more quietly chewed.
(Ogden Nash)
Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.
(By Jessica Miles)
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