I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat

(Colleen Laforme)

There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.

What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.

It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.

Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?

It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.

I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.

What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!

One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.

There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]

What’s black, white and red?

A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.

There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'

I knew this gift would make you smile,
It's perfect for your many adventures,
Now you can take a bite out of life,
With a pair of brand-new dentures.

(Kevin Nishmas)

What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.

I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.

Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.

A physics teacher writes a question on a board:

"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"

A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:

"In a foster home."

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.

What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.

While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.

Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.

He was delicious!!

(Shel Silverstein)

I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.

It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.

Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.

How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male

It’s so hot you discover that it only takes 2 fingers to drive your car.

What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.

Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.

As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."

My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.

Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

(Amos Russel Wells)

What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."

I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.

How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.

What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.

A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.

(Dixon Lanier Merritt)

Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.

Why did the horse dance while crossing the road?
He was horsing around.

Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!

Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.

My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.

Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.

Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.

Don't fret because
you're one year older.
But if you need
a caring shoulder
Mine's right here,
So have a cry.
Although I can't
imagine why?
You're aging
gracefully, you know?
And getting wiser
as you go.

I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.

He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.

I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.

His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...

I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.

(By Christian M. Mitewu)

My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more intercourse would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.