What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.

(Julie Hebert)

Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.

What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?

Fast food.

Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.

What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.

What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.

"Arithmetic"

Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.

– Judith Viorst

Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.

What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.

It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.

Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.

How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.

What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.

How long did it take Lancelot to cross the road?
All knight.

I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"

It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.

My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.

Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.

Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.

Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."

Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"

Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.

It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.

Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."

Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."

Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."

Me: "But you said I had 3!"

Genie: "Sue me."

Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.

I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.

He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"

I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."

"99 Dogs"

I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”

When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?

How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.

I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

One evening I wrote to John and I guess I was expressing my frustrations with not having enough time as I had a briefcase full of work to do that evening. Jaymac, in his wisdom, sent me back the following funny but inspirational poem:

Briefcase with an Engine
Poet: John McLeod

Fit your briefcase with an engine
Go skateboarding in the sun
Loop the loop, do aerobatics,
Laugh a lot and have great fun!

'Cook a snook' at paper empires
Save a forest, every tree
And remember, above all,
To do it happily!

It reminded me life is too short to let work frustrate me. Reading John's words of wisdom helped relieve my stress as I found myself smiling when I finished reading the poem. And, smiling and laughing is a great stress reliever!

Many times during my career I let my work control my life. Looking back at the times where I allowed my work to create stress and frustration in my life I now realize what I thought was important really was not. I am not say

What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.

What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?

One baked with May-flour.

How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.

A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.

I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper

Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?

Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!

“Father”

My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.

– Edgar Albert Guest

Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.

A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.

Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.

There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.

There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.

(William Robinson)

A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."