There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.
Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.
It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.
(Jessica Miles)
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
My turn signal wasn’t working,
So I asked for help from a friend.
“Stand behind the car,” I said.
“Let’s get this problem to end.”
“When I turn the signal on,
If it’s working, let me know.”
I hit the blinker and then I heard:
“Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!”
(Joanna Fuchs)
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.
Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.
Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read
If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you
(Horst Winkler)
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.
It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
The roses have wilted,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
And so is your head.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, 'Are these caps?'
She answered, 'Perhaps!'
That oracular Lady of Prague.
What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored -- how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
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