The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
"Front Row"
My desk is in the first two rows
that’s just beneath the teacher’s nose
Her eyes are on me, just like glue.
She watches everything I do.
I raise my hand. I seldom speak.
I swear I am the perfect geek.
I wish I was row four or five,
and then I’d really come alive.
I’d throw some spitballs, pass some notes.
I’d really get the teacher’s goat.
I’d make them laugh. I’d be a ham.
I like to joke. That’s who I am.
My teacher knows — and what I fear
Is that is why she keeps me near.
– Denise Rodgers
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."
The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
My bunny is fat
He loves to eat cabbage
No wonder he’s fat.
Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
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