Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.

Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.

Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.

What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.

It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.

It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.

There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.

It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.

Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.

A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?

Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.

Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.

"My Shadow"

I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.

– Robert Louis Stevenson

I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.

Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.

Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?

- by Jeff Kyser

It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.

Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?

He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.

Why is marriage like a nice suit? At first it's a perfect fit, but after a while you need alterations.

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.

My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.

What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.

Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"

As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.

What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.

Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?

Celery, raw,
Develops the jaw,
But celery, stewed,
Is more quietly chewed.

(Ogden Nash)

An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.

Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.

My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.

It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.

There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'

It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed

A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”

Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards

What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.

It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.

What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.

Tiny Chihuahua,
Humongous Great Dane.
The difference between them
Is really quite plain.
Feisty Chihuahua
Will yap-yap and yip.
If he doesn't like you,
You may get a nip!
Gentle Great Dane
Has a powerful bite,
But never would nip you.
She's much too polite.
Great Dane finds the carpet
A fine place to nap.
Chihuahua loves curling
Right up in your lap.
Their owners would have
Some cause for dismay
If each dog behaved
In the opposite way!

(Kristin Frederick)

Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.

A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.

Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!

Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!

...

People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!

(Charles E. Carryl)

"My Missing Shoe"

I looked for you by the front door,
Under my bed, on the bathroom floor,
Near the back stairs, in the drawer with my socks,
Next to the table, and out in the sandbox.
My mother is calling me, and I’m calling you,
Where have you gone, my missing shoe?

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.

There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.

There was a young lady named Rose,
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.