How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male

Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!

Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.

What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.

I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."

Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.

Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.

There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.

What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.

What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes

Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.

What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.

Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.

Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.

"If I Were In Charge Of The World"

If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.

If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.

If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.

If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.

– Judith Viorst

What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!

A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!

I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!

"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"

I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.

– Judith Viorst

How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.

Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.

My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.

It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.

What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!

This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.

Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?

Answer: Peach gobbler!

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."

Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.

Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.

(By John P. Read )

There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.

It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.

A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.

"My Eyes"

My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.

It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.

There once was a girl called Jane,
who thought she had a really big brain.
She thought she was cool,
standing in a puddle of drool,
but really she was just insane.

Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.

Happy birthday to you,
You still look the same over the years,
Some sort of makeup you use,
Oh I did not mean to make fun,
Because you always look number one
Stay blessed!

What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.

My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.

Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky.
(Lewis Carroll)

It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.

There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.

It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.

It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.

Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?

"The Upside-Down World"

I know a place that holds the Sky
A place where little white clouds lie;
The edge is all green as Grass,
The middle is as smooth as Glass;

And there the round sun makes his Bed;
And there a tree stands on its Head;
Sometimes a Bird sits on that Tree;
Sometimes it sings a song to me;

And always in that shining place
I see a little smiling Face;
She nods and smiles; but all the same
The Girl down there won’t tell her name.

– Hamish Hendry

It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.

My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.