It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
"Family Love"
A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.
– Alison Jean Thomas
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.
Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
Jim ordered a racehorse online
A thoroughbred sold in it's prime.
Now just for a laugh
They sent a giraffe
But it wins by a neck every time.
(Ray Gridley)
It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
"Don’t Be Silly"
Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.
– Dave Moran
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.
There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
— Ogden Nash
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."
It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.
(Martin Dejnicki)
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
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