"Mosquito At My Ear"

Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?

– Kobayashi Issa

Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?

There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"

People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.

I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.

I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you

Please wine me and dine me,
Please show me a good time,
After all, I’m a lady,
And I even can rhyme!

Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.

It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.

How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.

277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.

What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"

And optimist says "sure they can!"

How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"

I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.

Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!

A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.

You may not sew and you may not crochet,
You may not bake macaroons every day,
You may not buy tickets to a grand ballet,
Or be like the grandma of yesterday.

You may not answer with a vague, "Yes, dear,"
You may not have trouble in one ear.
You may not always have your knitting near,
Or overflow with constant cheer

You may not have scalloped, scented soap
Or fuzzy toilet seat covers (I hope)
With embroidery needles, you cannot cope.
Big hair? Wig hair? Nada and nope.

But I love you without the stereotype.
I've been thinking we should connect on Skype.
You're my bud, Grandma, and I'd really like it
If I could take your path and be able to hike it.

I look at what you do each day
And I see each one is your birthday.
You live anew in all you do.
I wanna be like you!

Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."

What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe

Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!

(Abby Jenkins)

There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.

Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.

Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.

A Blond walks into a doctors office and says:
"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?
When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...
When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"
The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."

What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training

"Fun"

I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.

– Leroy F. Jackson

It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.

Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.

What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"

What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!

What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.

There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.

Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.

There’s been a murder, a woman was killed,
found in a bathtub, partially filled.
A pair of policemen went into the house
and questioned the poor woman’s spouse.
He’d just come home from working all night
and found her like that, a terrible sight.
The younger policeman looked on with dismay.
He’d never forget that terrible day.
He saw the young woman from behind the door
and empty milk cartons all over the floor,
Scattered strawberries, slices of fruit,
and spoonfuls of sugar and honey to boot.
”Who could have done this terrible thing?”
His voice had a horrified, pitiful ring.
”Just look at the clues,” replied Sargeant Miller.
”It looks like the work of a cereal killer.” (Albert Van Hoogmoed)

The day after your birthday,
you look in the mirror to see:
a) you've got a zit from eating all that cake;
b) your love handles have expanded a half inch;
c) you singed your eyebrows blowing out the candles.

The day after your birthday,
a) you require six extra hours of sleep;
b) you can't find your living room under the birthday debris;
c) you wonder how you could possibly have done THAT.

The day after your birthday, it's time to:
a) return some gifts (what IS that, anyway?);
b) call your friends and apologize for yesterday;
c) get out of the country, fast.

The day after your birthday...
we should all look so great
and have it so good!

Happy Birthday!
Appreciate yourself and your life!

(Joanna Fuchs)

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.

Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.

I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.

We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene

However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which