Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
Why did the chicken use a bridge to cross the road?
He wanted to take the high way.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.
It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.
In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?
It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
"The Upside-Down World"
I know a place that holds the Sky
A place where little white clouds lie;
The edge is all green as Grass,
The middle is as smooth as Glass;
And there the round sun makes his Bed;
And there a tree stands on its Head;
Sometimes a Bird sits on that Tree;
Sometimes it sings a song to me;
And always in that shining place
I see a little smiling Face;
She nods and smiles; but all the same
The Girl down there won’t tell her name.
– Hamish Hendry
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
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