There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.
Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court…
The game would be cancelled.
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
Why did the alphabet cross the road?
To get from Point A to Point B.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.
He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!
- Denise Rodgers
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.
I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat
(Colleen Laforme)
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
"Family Love"
A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.
– Alison Jean Thomas
According to physics, light travels faster than sound. If that is really the case, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?
There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.
Girl: "Babe I'm pregnant you're the father."
Guy: "Can't fool me it's April's Fools Day!"
Girl: "Haha! got me! You're not the father."
"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"
I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!
– Emily Dickinson
What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
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