What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow rain to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station!'
She made no observation
But thought she should go back to Sweden.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"
I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!
– Emily Dickinson
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.
Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.
It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!
An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.
"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"
If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.
– Shel Silverstein
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.
(Martin Dejnicki)
Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light
At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was bad for me.
But now I kind of like it.
I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.
It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.
Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.
- Natasha Niemi
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