King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

(by Robert Z)

Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.

A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"

There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.

What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!

"Halfway Down"

Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.

Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!

– A. A. Milne

A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."

"And that?"

"Kitchen gun."

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.

It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.

A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.

"I’m Going to Be Famous"

I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!

– Steve Hanson

There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.

What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.

A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."

Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!

(Abby Jenkins)

What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.

A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."

How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.

Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.

What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.

Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.

Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.

They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.

Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.

He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .

That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.

- Diane Lefebvre

How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.

There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.

Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.

I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.

What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.

Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?

"The Theoretic Turtle"

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

– Amos R. Wells

This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."

Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.

They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.

When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.

They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.

(Jessica Miles)

'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."

The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”

I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.

Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”

The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.
This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.

If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”

Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?