An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.
It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.
There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.
You use computers.
IPods, mobiles, cameras.
Why not write letters?
It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.
- Natasha Niemi
If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.
There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow rain to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station!'
She made no observation
But thought she should go back to Sweden.
There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.
"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"
In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
I changed my password to "incorrect."
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect."
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmmm. Well, you are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”
What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
There once was a colour named orange,
...Damnit.
Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
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