Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.
The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
When his driving had gotten bizarre
Grandpa’s kids tossed his keys very far
So he hitched into town
Laid some good money down
And then simply brought home a new car.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I'll never drink again," I'd have just enough for a 12-case.
What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.
There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.
(By Faaizah)
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?
Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.
When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?
At Pranksgiving.
Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
Go to BabaMail
