Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”
Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
I look at you and all the facts
I can't believe your age and how you act.
The number might suggest your old
That you should be shriveled and full of mold.
But, hey look at you
You're young in all you do
The number doesn't mean a thing
As long as you can still sing.
So may this little rhyme and verse
Be one that you don't curse.
Smile and be happy today
Remember, it's your birthday!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
When you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back ou because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn’t wat a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead
They do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.
(Judith Viorst)
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
Dear Dog
You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!
"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"
I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!
– Emily Dickinson
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.
My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.
First you got an alligator.
Next came a giraffe.
Lions ride your elevator,
bears hide in your bath.
Bunnies,
chimps,
(a duck?),
raccoons.....
run amok through all your rooms!
Soon, if you don't set them free - there will be no room for me!
(Lycia Harding)
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.
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