How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?
Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...
I love you more than the sun and moon
I loved you since you left the womb
I love you though you are quite hairy
And I never find it scary
Even when you pick your toes
My love for you only grows
(Anonymous)
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
"Who’s In?"
“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”
– Elizabeth Fleming
Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."
It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!
- Denise Rodgers
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"
If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.
– Shel Silverstein
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.
It’s so hot you discover that it only takes 2 fingers to drive your car.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat
(Colleen Laforme)
This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
It’s so cold we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
Programmer:
A machine that turns coffee into code.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.
I’ve got to ask are you Facebook?
Please tell me if it’s true,
I’m pretty sure you are indeed,
Because, baby, I like you.
Go to BabaMail
