If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.

(Unknown)

Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.

Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.

Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!

- Denise Rodgers

After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”

You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.

I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
White wine costs less,
Than dinner for two.

What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.

It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.

Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.

It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.

There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.

Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.

There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.

How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.

There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.

Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.

The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.

What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.

I love you I love you
I do
I’ll play the kazoo
I may not be good
It may be too loud
I love you I love you
I’ll dance a jig
I may miss a step
or fall on my pig
I love you I love you
I do
even if this poem isn’t cool

“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973

Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.

"Bee and Bee"

The bumblebee buzzes
From flower to flower

As does the humblebee,
But with head bowed lower.

– Patrick Winstanley

What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue

It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.

It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.

What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.

If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.

"I Have a Little Frog"

I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!

Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.

How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.

After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.

Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"

Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"

Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.

Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.

There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.

She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.

She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.

Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.

So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.

This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.

So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.

But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!

You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,

Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.

(Aaron M. Delao)

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.

I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."

Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."