Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.

I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.

Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!

And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!

- Max Scratchamnn

What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?

I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.

King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

(by Robert Z)

Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!

Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.

When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.

Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!

Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.

What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.

After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.



“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”

Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.

The incredible Wizard of Oz,
Retired from his business becoz.
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the Wizard he woz.

There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.

I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”

In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.

What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.

A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.

I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.

It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.

What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.

At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."

A blond pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blond.

It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.

The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."

My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.

Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.

"Granddad's Got Hair"

Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.

Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."

– Graham Craven

Why is bra singular and panties plural?

Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.

(Anonymous)

I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!

Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.

Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!

A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."

Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.

Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.

What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you

What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!

When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.

Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.

What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.

My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.

It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.

It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.