Yesterday

I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
I had a bet on a giraffe race yesterday but my selection lost.
It was nowhere near winning – it lost by a neck.
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
My wife and I went to a turtle pun class yesterday.
It tortoise nothing.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
I got in a fight with a crab yesterday.
When I punched him he ran, goon.
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbor is dead against it.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
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