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Yesterday Jokes

Utensils Puns
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
Onion Puns
I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.
Phone Puns
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
Orange Puns
In the middle of the night yesterday, I dreamt that I was swimming in a sea of oranges only to wake up and realize that it was just a Fanta-sea.
Peach Puns
I met him yesterday, he was on his way to meet the counselor for a peach therapy session.
Literary Pick Up Lines
I was reading the book of numbers yesterday, and I realized I don’t have yours.
Computer Puns
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
Crow Puns
I stole seven crows yesterday.
Got away with murder.
Color Puns
I went to a new kind of show yesterday, which was hosted by a color-changing lizard. He was a good stand-up chameleon.
Ghost Puns
I found out yesterday that the Mexican dish ghosts like the most is a boo-ritto.
Appliance Puns
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
Strawberry Puns
Yesterday I went to the store for only 2 items, a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. Fortunately they were relatively light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
Tableware Puns
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
Funny Parenting Quotes
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”

- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
Cosmetics Puns
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
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