Using Jokes

My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
Starts off in the morning, wakes up at six,
Grooms itself using its tongue and licks.
I give it breakfast with a friendly pat.
That's the daily morning of my cat.

Returns for lunch at one o' clock.
Eats milk rice and then goes for a walk.
Sometimes even hunts and catches a rat.
That's the daily afternoon of my cat.

Naps after lunch outside my door.
Sleeps so deeply, perhaps even snores.
Doesn't like the ground; it prefers a mat.
That's the daily evening of my cat.

Wakes up refreshed and comes for dinner.
Does it eat too much? Shouldn't it be thinner?
Eats and sleeps - hope it doesn't get fat.
That's the daily night of my cat.

(M. Tarun Prasad)
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”

Needless to say I was in stitches.
A vampire returned a mirror to my shop the other day. It wasn't faulty or anything, he just said he couldn't see himself using it.
I was thinking about using a mushroom to poison someone. My morel stopped me.
Why was the deer a good driver? He was great at using the deering wheel!
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
I'm using the wishbone to manifest a date with you.
I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.
How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs? He logged in.
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”

- Ray Romano.
How did the witch feel about using her broom to do housework?
She bristled at the suggestion!
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