What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"