I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.