René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
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