A hip young man goes out and buys himself an expensive car: A Ferrari 599 GTO. It costs him almost $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "It’s a Ferrari 599 GTO. It cost nearly half a million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car is a limited edition model!” the young guy says proudly. The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!" Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 20 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly - whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading in the opposite direction. It looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How can a moped outrun a Ferrari!?" But again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh, Ka- blaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it turns out to be the old man on the moped after all! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my god! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers: "Please... unhook...my suspenders... from your side-view mirror."

A beautiful young model boarded a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looked at the seats in economy, and then looked into the forward cabin at the luxurious first-class seats. Seeing that the first-class seats appeared to be much larger and more comfortable, she moved forward to the last empty seat in first-class. The flight attendant checked her ticket and told the woman that her seat was in economy.  The blonde replied, "I'm a famous model, and I’ve never had this problem before. I'm going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York."  Flustered, the flight attendant went to the cockpit and informed the captain of the problem. The captain went back and told the woman that her assigned seat was in economy. Again, the blonde replied: "I'm a famous model. I'm sitting here all the way to New York.”  The captain didn’t want to cause a commotion, and so returned to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot. The co-pilot said that he used to date a model like her, and that he could take care of the problem. He then went back and briefly whispered something in the blonde's ear. She immediately got up and said, "Okay, thank you". She then hugged the co-pilot, and rushed back to her seat in the economy section.  The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman.  He replied, "I just told her that the first-class seats aren't going to New York."

A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. '"House" in French, is feminine - "la maison", while "pencil" in French is masculine - "le crayon."' One puzzled student asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher thought it would be a good exercise to have the students decide what they thought the gender should be. So she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you constantly find yourself spending more money on accessories for it. The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine "le computer") because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves. 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model!

A man enters a sexy lingerie store to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy): "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself." She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!" Funeral is on Thursday at Noon. Coffin will be closed.