I want to create a convention for Irish folks who suffer with leprosy. I'll call it Leper-Con.
An accountant was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry, it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the madam said, "Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madam, gesturing to a 70-year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.
As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat.
Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Sexual Studies Convention in Chicago".
He swallowed hard.
Here was the gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting about sexual studies!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my extensive personal experience to share interesting facts about sexuality.
"Really," he gulped,"like what?"
"Well," she explained, "For instance, Native American Indians are the most passionate. While Jewish men are the most likely to satisfy a woman fully. And in terms of lasting the longest, surprisingly it's the Southern redneck."
Saying this, she became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Oh," Said the man, holding out his hand, "Tonto Goldstein, at your service. But my friends call me Bubba."
At a World Brewing Convention in the United States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conferencing.
Bruce, the boss of Fosters, shouted to the barman,
'in 'Strailya, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters, cobber.'
Rob, chief of Budweiser, calls out,
'In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all. Give me a pint of Bud.'
Hans steps up next,
'In Germany we invented beer. Give me a Beck's, the real king of beers.'
Up steps Dutchman Jan, chief executive of Grolsch, who states that Grolsch is the ultimate beer and asks for one with two fingers of head on top.
Patrick, the CEO of Guinness, steps forward.
'Barman, give me a coke with ice please.'
The other four stare at him in stunned silence with amazement written all over their faces.
Eventually, Bruce asks, 'Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?'
Patrick replies, 'Well, if you lot aren't drinking, then neither am I.'
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church, and, on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. And, to his surprise, the donkey came in third!
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER’S ASS SHOWS.
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER’S ASS OUT IN FRONT.
The Bishop, however, was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in any more races. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER’S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted in shock. When he came to, he informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
And this was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go.
Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
Infinite loop is a computer programming concept, describing a situation of cause and effect that continues forever, one action causing another action that causes the first action etc. etc.
These loops never happen in real life, unless...
A company CEO tells his secretary:
"Next week we're going to a convention abroad and spend some quality time together, please make all the required arrangements."
The secretary calls her husband:
"Next week the boss is taking me abroad for a week on business, please take care of yourself during this time."
The husband calls his lover:
"My wife is going abroad for a week, lets spend it together..."
The lover, a private school teacher, tells the children:
"Because of a personal problem, I will not be at school next week, so you'll be studying at home."
One of the kids went to his grandfather and said:
"Grandpa, next week I don't have school, you promised me that if I had time off we'd go to the mountains together."
The grandfather, who was also the CEO, calls his secretary and tells her:
"My grandson asked me to spend the week with him, so we're not going abroad."
The secretary calls her husband:
"The boss cancelled, we'll be together, my love."
The husband calls his lover:
"We can't spend the week together, my wife is staying."
The lover tells the kids:
"My problem was solved, school is back on."
The kid goes to the grandfather:
"Sorry grandpa, school is back on, I won't be able to go."
The CEO calls his secretary:
"My grandson won't be able to spend next week with me, rebook the flight abroad."
The secretary calls her husband....
Three writers, Sam, Pete, and Chuck, who were attending a writing convention, booked a room on the 75th floor of a hotel.
When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but the elevator is broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs."
Now, Sam was a writer of funny stories, Pete was a writer of scary stories, and Chuck was a writer of sad stories. The three of them agreed that, to make it less boring, Sam would tell the other two his funniest stories while they climbed from floors 1 to 25, Pete would tell his scariest stories from floors 26 to 50, and Chuck would tell his saddest stories from floors 51 to 75.
They started to climb the stairs, and Sam started to tell funny stories. By the time they reached the 25th floor, Pete and Chuck were laughing hysterically.
Then Pete started to tell scary stories. By the time they reached the 50th floor, Sam and Chuck were hugging each other in fear.
Then Chuck started to tell sad stories. He stuck his hands in his pockets, thinking.
"Ah, I'll tell my saddest story of all first." he said.
He coughed nervously.
"There once was a man named Chuck, who left the hotel room key in the car..."
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent. She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
The Helpful Train Manager
A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. For this particular trip, he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour."
So, his wife lies down on the bed...and just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.
"Look, lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!"
So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says in an ominous tone, "are you doing here?"
The manager replies: "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"