How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.
What makes music on your head?
A headband.
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.
What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.