Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.