I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
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