What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
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