What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
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