The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.