How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
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