I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
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