Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
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