I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
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