I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
Go to BabaMail
