Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
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