I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
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