Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
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