Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris CAN touch this.
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.
Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
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