Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.
When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.
After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.
Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”
At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.
And there’s him lying naked on the couch.
"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.