My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.
When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.
After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.
Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”
At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.
And there’s him lying naked on the couch.
"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.