Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
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