Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
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