What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
Knock knock.
Come in.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.