I'm a pensioner and the armed forces think I'm too old to track down terrorists.
If you're over 42, then you can't join the military. They're got their whole system backwards!
Instead of sending 18-year-olds to war zones, they should take us old guys. They shouldn't let you join the military until you're at least 35!
18-year-olds have been proven to think about sex every 10 seconds, while pensioners only think about it once or twice a month.
This leaves us an extra 280,000 seconds per day to focus on the enemy.
Young soldiers don't have enough life experience to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a terrifying soldier! 'I'm tired and hungry, my back hurts, I can't sleep! Aaaargh!'
We're impatient and bad-tempered, so perhaps letting us kill some jerk who desperately deserves it will cheer us up and keep us quiet!
18-year-olds never usually get up before 10am. Old guys always wake up early to pee!
Besides, like I've already said, since I can't get to sleep, I may as well be off killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch!
If they capture us we'd never spill the beans, because we wouldn't remember where we put them. Name, rank, and serial number would be a huge brainteaser!
Old guys would ace boot camp! We're used to people yelling at us, and we're accustomed to eating soft food.
We also have a deep appreciation of firearms. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get away from all of the yelling!
They could lighten up on the obstacle course, though. I've been in combat, but I've never come across a 20-foot wall with ropes hanging over either side!
They can probably get rid of the running part as well. I've never seen anybody outrun a bullet!
18-year-olds have their whole lives ahead of them. They should still be learning how to shave, and how to talk to pretty girls.
They still haven't even figured out how to properly wear a baseball cap!
These are all good reasons why we should keep our kids at home. Let us old guys track terrorists down!
No enemy wants to see a couple million hacked off old farts, with automatic weapons and bad attitudes, who know that their best years are behind them!
And what about recruiting women in their 50s? In menopause!
You think only men can have a bad attitude? You ain't seen nothing yet!
If nothing else, they can be put on border control. It'll be secured by the end of the first night!
